Irony

It's interesting how the human mind can interpret things.  I find it fascinating that we all seem to easily define everyday affairs in our life into as either negative or positive...with a particularly small limbo of what can be seen as either.  And what's ridiculous is that I seem to break any rationale of what's considered "normal" in these categories.  I mean I'm not going to sit here and argue that a box of kittens is a bad thing but my gauge of opinion seems to be a bit...different.

To almost every single person i've ever met, attention is rewarding; compliments are satisfying; awards are unfathomable.  Often times even the humblest of people find themselves submerged in the passivity to their insatiability.  The human race has evolved to become victims of our own insatiability.  So where is the line drawn between someone who merely recognizes their own magnificence  and someone who bathes in it?  

I'm going off on tangents on the human race....that definitely wasn't my intention.  Basically what i'm trying to hit at is that my entire perception of  what it means to be acknowledged for something is entirely too far from reality.  Call it an overload of self-reflection but getting recognized only makes me question myself.  It's an immediate catalyst into a way of thinking that is purely competitive and conscientious.  A mere appreciation turns into a circus of what the world around me has taught me to be lies.  How unfair.  I have no other suspects than the environment in which I was ever so carefully taught to think...which looks something like this:

That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  You must be better.  

When was it ever NOT okay to just be what you are?  I may not be a genius, but I may be just as smart as one, but that doesn't necessarily make me want to BE one.   Isn't is sufficient to just be who I am at this very moment in the PRESENT?  Isn't that all that matters?  And no matter how secure I am inside of my own thoughts I can't help but feel submissive to these commands to be better, better, better.  And that instilled concept of competition that has been running in my bloodstream since I was merely a child.  But I can't just ignore it; I'm only human.  

When I am proud of an accomplishment, actually feeling proud of myself is a big enough reward.  I don't need a shiny metal trophy to make me feel.  But what's sad is that I can't connect whatsoever with this 6" plastic statue.  That is only makes me question everything i've done. 

 Though I can't help feeling anything but uncomfortable....I hope this trophy can forgive me.