Irony

It's interesting how the human mind can interpret things.  I find it fascinating that we all seem to easily define everyday affairs in our life into as either negative or positive...with a particularly small limbo of what can be seen as either.  And what's ridiculous is that I seem to break any rationale of what's considered "normal" in these categories.  I mean I'm not going to sit here and argue that a box of kittens is a bad thing but my gauge of opinion seems to be a bit...different.

To almost every single person i've ever met, attention is rewarding; compliments are satisfying; awards are unfathomable.  Often times even the humblest of people find themselves submerged in the passivity to their insatiability.  The human race has evolved to become victims of our own insatiability.  So where is the line drawn between someone who merely recognizes their own magnificence  and someone who bathes in it?  

I'm going off on tangents on the human race....that definitely wasn't my intention.  Basically what i'm trying to hit at is that my entire perception of  what it means to be acknowledged for something is entirely too far from reality.  Call it an overload of self-reflection but getting recognized only makes me question myself.  It's an immediate catalyst into a way of thinking that is purely competitive and conscientious.  A mere appreciation turns into a circus of what the world around me has taught me to be lies.  How unfair.  I have no other suspects than the environment in which I was ever so carefully taught to think...which looks something like this:

That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  That's not good enough.  You must be better.  

When was it ever NOT okay to just be what you are?  I may not be a genius, but I may be just as smart as one, but that doesn't necessarily make me want to BE one.   Isn't is sufficient to just be who I am at this very moment in the PRESENT?  Isn't that all that matters?  And no matter how secure I am inside of my own thoughts I can't help but feel submissive to these commands to be better, better, better.  And that instilled concept of competition that has been running in my bloodstream since I was merely a child.  But I can't just ignore it; I'm only human.  

When I am proud of an accomplishment, actually feeling proud of myself is a big enough reward.  I don't need a shiny metal trophy to make me feel.  But what's sad is that I can't connect whatsoever with this 6" plastic statue.  That is only makes me question everything i've done. 

 Though I can't help feeling anything but uncomfortable....I hope this trophy can forgive me.  

Two

Today, I willingly danced for the first time as a form of expressing enjoyment.  Pardon my matter-of-fact...but I was topless and as the  manmade, unnatural things came off of my body I felt a  uncontrollable sense of freedom.  And I danced.  I just lifted my body and let myself flow about the room as if I were falling underwater.  My skin flirted with the air around me as I closed my eyes and just felt.  I let myself cancel out my ability to see and attempted to let the other senses slightly effloresce with it's absence...and I just felt.  

Chapter 1; Scene 1

As I was washing my face I paid particular attention to the temperature of the water.  The way it caressed my fingers and ran in and around my hands like children in a playground.  The water was warm and my entire being felt so.  It cooled and I felt the gentile blue dance throughout the heated water.  The two combined and I was left with a temperature I couldn't place between hot and cold, warm and cool.  The temperature was grey.  Nothing more, nothing less,  nothing different.  It was grey.  I felt the grey caress my hands and closed my eyes at the refrain of anything entering.  I felt as though I never stopped moving my eyelids and somehow I was watching my hands cup a pool of thick grey water fill instantaneously.  I held my breath and poured what felt like grey paint meticulously down my face.  And that was the end.

Minutes later, I found my intrigued self glued to the keyboard: webpage displaying Dreammoods.com.  I searched "Grey" which of course they denounced as nothing.  I grunted and corrected myself: "Gray"  Strangely enough I was met by a definitive feeling to these stringy ambiguous emotions that have been dancing around my mind.  

GRAY

GRAY indicates fear, fright, depression,

ill health, ambivalence and confusion.  

You may feel emotionally distant or detached.  

Ah!  The words sparkled like diamonds in my eyes.  "you may feel emotionally distanct or detached"  Not only was I very possibility feeling so, I was being assured I was allowed such behavior.  These non-logical un-sensical emotions can finally be fought against and challenged. 

I know what you are, fools.  You cannot trick me now.